During the memorial service for the fallen soldier, the pastor did a special little section just for the soldier's son. He talked about what a great dad he was, what a wonderful husband and man of God he was and how lucky he was to have him in his life for such a short time. This little boy is only a few months younger than Isaac and the thought of this caused me to just break down later that evening. If something were to ever happen to Justin, would Isaac even remember him? Is he old enough to be able to store any part of daddy in his brain for the rest of his life? All these questions came rushing into my head; was I doing enough to keep Isaac aware that daddy is here, even though he is over 7000 miles away, does he know how much Justin loves and adores him and would do anything for him? Does Justin know that every night and day we look at pictures and talk about daddy as if he is just at the office and coming home soon? Is that a bad thing we assume he is coming home? You get the point.
Of course as a mom and a wife I try to keep it all together for everyone, including Justin so he has nothing to worry about while he is over in Afghanistan, he has enough of his own problems to deal with. But with these last couple days, and seeing a glimpse of what "could be" my emotions and brave face seem to be falling apart. Now after over 3 months I think I am doing a pretty good job at keeping it all together, but there are days where I just need to let go. I really do not know how I have even made it this far, if it wasn't for daily devotions, prayer and knowing that so many of our family and friends are praying for us as well, and for that I thank you so much.
Justin will be coming home for R&R sooner than later, and at this point in the week it seems to be one of the only things that help me get through the day. Even though our time together will be short, and filled with the excitement of Olivia's birth and Isaac being able to rough house with Justin, I truly can not wait for him to just be here. Even if that means enduring his smelly farts, and cleaning up after him, its times like these when I am all alone I wish I could pick up his underwear off the floor. I can't believe how much I have taken him for granted even just being married to him for almost a short 3 years. I miss his boots I trip over in the living room since he refuses to keep them by the door, his trash he somehow manages to put on the counter NEXT to the trashcan instead of in it, his spit all over the bathroom sink after he brushes his teeth, and even his little hairs around the sink after he shaves in the morning before he goes off to PT. All those little things I once could pick a fight over, now I wish I could see again. I put off so long washing the last bits of clothing he left behind, hoping it would make me feel like he was still there, but that is long gone now and it is just Isaac's and mine in the laundry, even that makes me so sad. The worst part for sure still is going to bed alone. I am pretty good in the routine I have but sometimes I still catching myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking he is right there. In my half sleep/half awake fog I think I can just reach out and touch him or start a conversation with him, only to be answered with silence. Yes at 7 months pregnant there probably isn't even any room for him to lay even if he were to be here since I hog our king size bed and the pillows that surround me, but still a nice warm body that snores and randomly hits me in the middle of the night would be better than being alone.
Sorry for the depressing post today, just a lot has been on my mind and heart and needed a little vent. This picture is also my facebook picture, but i LOVE it so so much :)
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